House Call
Posted on Sat Nov 19th, 2016 @ 1:59am by Captain Liarra Von & Lieutenant Commander Marit Lantry M.D., Ph.D.
Mission:
Shadows and Whispers
Location: Captain Von's Quarters
Marit had received word Captain Von had been released from the infirmary and had been encouraged to rest and relax as much as possible. Officially, Von would need to be cleared by Marit before she would be allowed to return to duty, something the counselor was sure the Captain was aware of. Still, assessing for such clearance wasn't the counselor's primary motive for stopping by, at least not at this stage. Given what the Captain had endured, the healer and caretaker within Marit simply wanted to see how the other woman was doing. Lantry had gathered from the reports things had gotten pretty intense as the two stranded Starfleet officers fought for their very survival, and based on the interactions she'd had with Liarra so far, she wasn't sure the Captain had many people she preferred to turn to for support. Marit wasn't so arrogant as to automatically put herself in that category, of course, but she wouldn't deny she wanted to be, not merely because of professional obligations, but because she genuinely liked Liarra Von.
Pressing the chime outside the other woman's quarters with the thermos of hot chocolate in one hand, she waited to be allowed entry, two real glass mugs in the other.
The door chime signaled as Von finished drying her hair with a towel. She had a chance to get cleaned up with a sonic treatment in the infirmary, but it felt like ages since she had a chance for a real bath. Once she was back in her quarters, the first thing she did was draw one up. Now she had changed into some lounge wear and was ready to settle in to a nice relaxing evening in her own quarters and sleep in her own bed. Anything was better than a cave, but nothing was better than home.
Her hair still wet, but dry enough for her tastes, Von threw the towel in the hamper and entered her living room to answer the door. "Come in," she stated as she entered the room, signalling for the computer to release the lock.
The doors hissed open upon Von's command, and Marit entered. Right away, it was obvious she had caught the other woman trying to relax and unwind. "Excuse me, Captain, I didn't mean to intrude on your rest and relaxation. There's nothing urgent for us to discuss. I just thought I'd come by to welcome you home and see how you were. I can come back, if you'd like."
Liarra offered a dismissive wave in response. "Now is fine, Counselor. I didn't really have anything planned for the rest of the evening. Please, come in." She thought about gesturing towards her desk, but changed her mind and gestured towards the couch. "Can I get you anything?"
Marit walked toward the couch and sat, turning to answer. "No, but thank you."
Von joined her on the couch and lounged against the cushions. Even the least comfortable couch in Starfleet was better than a cave wall, and Liarra thought her couch was one of the better ones. The couch might have been a bad choice, she considered in retrospect, but she was too comfortable to change her mind now. She'd just have to fight against the urge to fall asleep. "So what can I do for you?" she asked Dr. Lantry.
Marit turned to face Von on the couch, flattered she would feel comfortable with such an informal arrangement even though the two were still getting to know one another. Of course, Lantry noted the irony of having this conversation on the couch, but not wanting to confirm the stereotype and make this interaction any more awkward for the Captain, she said, "I was actually going to ask the same of you. I won't pretend to know exactly what it felt like to be trapped and injured after the crash, but it seems to me such an experience carries a certain degree of trauma all its own, regardless of our training or prior experience. I just wanted to see how you were and see if there was something from that experience you may welcome getting off your chest?"
Liarra suspected that Lantry would be wanting to get back into her head, but she didn't mind. She would be lying if she said that the experience hadn't affected her. "It could have been worse, to be honest. If S'er'in'e hadn't been with me, I doubt my piloting skills would have been good enough to set us down as safely as he did. And with my injury, I was pretty much useless. He literally had to do all the heavy lifting."
Even though Marit heard Liarra initially try to focus on the positive that yes, things could've been worse, she detected an underlying sense of shame and embarrassment. She'd focused on her limitations and helplessness without ever really acknowledging those feelings allowed. "How did you feel about all of that? I imagine that's not a position you're accustomed to being in."
Liarra smiled at the question. "No, I suppose it's not. I feel like I work very well with my officers and crew, but I do tend to be pretty independent. Being lost and helpless and needing someone to do pretty much everything for me, that's not really my cup of tea."
"Were you able to give voice to those feelings in the moment?" Marit asked.
"Honestly, I can't remember what we talked about. For the most part we were just so worried about staying alive, my feelings of inadequacy didn't really come up." Liarra smirked at the absurdity of it. "It's probably silly that I'm so worried about it now."
"Not at all," Marit reassured. "Feelings are like headaches, Captain. The negative ones must be managed. It does no good to spend time judging why they exist. When you're fighting for survival, there's no time to process much else, but now that you're both safe, it's better to give a voice to what you felt."
"I don't like feeling helpless, though I can't imagine many people do. I know it sounds silly, but the things I can't control are the things I worry about the most. I feel like if there is something that I can do about a situation, if I am in control, then there's nothing to worry about. I have a say in my destiny. When I lose that comfort, when I know that nothing I can do will affect my fate either way, that's when I worry. I didn't want S'er'in'e to know, but I was full of a lot of worry on that planet."
Marit smiled. Of course, she couldn't reveal anything the Colonel had said, but she couldn't help but take note of the similar things they had shared, each one feeling the need to be strong in front of the other. "I've never met anyone who wasn't anxious about things they couldn't control," the counselor offered honestly. "I suppose it is a matter of degrees, but I can think of several situations as a captain that you have had very little control, but still managed to keep your focus." Lantry tilted her head askance. "What would be so bad if he knew that you were full of worry?"
"Keep my focus, yes. But keep that focus without being a tightly wound ball of stress, I can't say that was always true." Liarra didn't dwell on that, but moved on to Lantry's question. "I guess the way I've always thought of it is that if others know how worried I am about a situation, the worry would develop in them as well. I was thrust into this position, sometimes I wonder if it was before I was ready. But I've always felt like I need to be cool and collected in a crisis. If the crew look at me and see someone overcome with worry and doubt, then they too will be overcome with worry and doubt. I have to present a strong front to keep up crew morale."
"It's a balancing act," Marit agreed with a nod. "Although to be honest, I've met just as many people who beat themselves up if they show more emotion than their superiors. They get this idea based on what they see, or don't see, that their superiors are somehow stronger than they are, and that to show any emotion is somehow letting others down." She paused, then added, "I think the important thing is to have a few people a person can trust to see him or her with his or her guard down. You mentioned being thrust into your position, so I'm wondering, do you have people around you that you feel comfortable letting your guard down with?"
"I did," Liarra replied, not even having to think about it. "But nearly everyone that I could confide in is gone. My friend and mentor, Alexander Gunning, for instance. His death is the reason I'm in command of this station. His brother is a friend, but he's civilian now, and even if he is living on the station, I'm much more limited in what I can share with him. My new first officer I barely know. So many of my senior staff is new, and I'm not sure if I know any of them well enough to really open up."
Marit nodded. She knew it was an honest answer, and she knew when Von mentioned not knowing many of her senior staff well enough to open up, that included Lantry herself. Even though she knew it was irrational, Marit felt a twinge of guilt at the thought. "It'll take time," the therapist acknowledged. "I won't pretend that kind of trust can be built up overnight or even after a handful of conversations, but I will say I would like the two of us to get to know one another better, so at some point you might be willing to consider opening up more. I know my being your senior counselor doesn't guarantee that will happen, but I would like to say I'm here and I will continue to be here for a long time to come. I've spoken to Starfleet Medical personnel, and the board is an agreement that 332 has been without a consistent senior counselor for far too long for them to consider transferring me out. More than that, I want to remain here. As I said, I don't expect my mere presence to compel you to open up, but I'm content to simply keep showing up and see what happens, if that's alright with you," she added with a smile.
Marit knew Von needed at least one person she could trust to serve as an outlet and a sounding board for her. Lantry knew better than to think her position automatically guaranteed that place in the other woman's life, but she also wanted to offer her support and her presence. The Captain would choose how much or how little she shared, ultimately, but even if it was just surface feelings for a while, it was better than having absolutely no one.
Von returned the smile with a warm one of her own. "I'd like that, Marit. It would be nice to have some stability around here for a change." Liarra hoped using the counselor's first name was not inappropriate, but she was one of the officers who had been on the station the longest. And if she was going to be able to open up more, it might help her feel better about it if things were so formal between them.
Marit smiled. As far as she could recall, this was the first time Von had referred to her by her first name. She counted that as progress in her book. "I wholeheartedly agree. Well, I think I've taken up enough of your time for now. With your permission, I think I'll get out of your hair so you can get some rest."
Liarra nodded. "I'm looking forward to sleeping in my own bed. Though even a biobed beats sleeping in a cave." Von rose to her feet to show out the counselor. "Thank you for coming by, Marit."
Captain Liarra Von
Commanding Officer
Lt. Commander Marit Lantry, M.D., Ph.D.
Chief Counselor
