Conflicting Views

Posted on Sun Oct 30th, 2016 @ 6:01pm by Lieutenant Commander Marit Lantry M.D., Ph.D. & Colonel S'er'in'e

Mission: Indomitable Will
Location: Counselor's Office

It came as no surprise to him that word had leaked about what happened on the planet, he suspected it was Captain Von in a post mission evaluation briefing which naturally being first she'd reveal the sorts of things he was required to do. Still, opening up to someone other than his Mate was something difficult for him unless of his own kind, but now he was required to meet Dr. Lantry, a Human Female he had yet to meet during the course of his time or duties on board.

Still however maybe it would help him come to terms with a few of his inner demons, accept what he did by justifying it someway.

The thought about having to dredge up that time served to frustrate him a little having worked hard to bury it. He pressed the chime on the Counselor's door and patiently waited.

"Come in," Marit called out, the doors automatically opening upon her command. She smiled as she recognized her visitor. "Hello, Colonel. Please, come in. You're right on time." Lantry gestured for him to take a seat in one of the many available chairs she had and make himself comfortable. "I appreciate you coming by. May I get you something from the replicator?"

S'er'in'e stepped through the doorway having to, as usual, duck slightly lest he bang his head. Once through and the doors closed he saw where the Counselor was. He customarily bowed to the female. "Thank you but no." S'er'in'e observed the room, a trait he picked up from his many years of training and habit he found very hard to break. He then observed the Councelor. A red headed Human female of, as he'd describe it, an average height and a slim frame. "You asked to see me Counselor?"

Marit nodded. She wasn't surprised that he was a man who liked to get right to the point. Being direct would certainly help in his work and she imagined it was an opportunity for him to move through the meeting that much faster, though nothing he said or did suggested he was particularly impatient. "Yes," she offered. "I wanted to see how you were following the shuttle crash and subsequent time on planet. I know you weren't alone and reports indicated you and the Captain did everything you could to focus on survival while awaiting rescue, but I imagine a situation like that can still be quite traumatic. I realize you and I don't know each other well and you may not be ready to trust me just yet, but under the circumstances, I just wanted to reach out in case you could use an extra person to talk to."

Feeling that the price of cooperate far outweighed the potential of a far more in depth mental evaluation S'er'in'e decided to go along with it. He walked to the nearest chair that was offered when he stepped in with swift, flowing feline grace and sat down once his tail coiled neatly about his waist. "What do you know about the events that transpired on the surface?" Better to test the waters first than plunge right in.

"Anything you feel comfortable sharing with me," Marit replied simply. "My intention was not to make this an interrogation where you answer questions to my satisfaction, but to give you a sounding board in case there are things about your experiences that are still troubling you. There is no right or wrong thing to say here. I suppose I just wanted you to know I'm interested in how you're doing because I care about everyone who makes it possible for me to live and work here every day. You're one of those people. I suppose this is my way of showing my gratitude. Being a good listener and helping people heal whatever might be bothering them are the skills I have to offer."

S'er'in'e looked the floor in front of him, his head lowered and whiskers flared slightly. "Since the day I joined Starfleet I have had to fight the judgements, impressions and opinions of others towards my kind. I have tried to show them that Caitians are better than that, show them that we are civilised, cultured, a race that can be respected. I can not hide what I am, I am a risk to those around me, to those that I care for. Many call us predators and they would not be wrong in that but I have tried to hold myself above such things."

He paused for a moment and it was clear by tail tip movements, ears flicking slightly and his whiskers pulling slightly back towards his face. "On the planet right or wrong I subjected the Captain to my ways, I put her life above my own even hid my injuries from her while I tended to her own." He stood up and walked to the viewport to see the stars. "One night I had to become that which I have so often been judged for. I have worked hard my entire life to be something better, to be something my Caste can be proud of and show others the potential of my kind." Now it was obvious that S'er'in'e was irritated because the movements of his mouth were no longer in sync to the words spoken by the universal translator. "I stalked a man, hunted him like he was prey. I waited until he was separated from the others, the wait was long and frustrating but when he neared me I struck. At the time I didn't know if his party was hunting us or simply an innocent man in the wrong place at the wrong time, but I murdered him just the same. I tore out his throat with my fangs, I hacked and slashed at his body while in the throws of death like a savage beast, I became the very thing which my kind and I have been seen to be, but at what price?"

"Was it worth damaging the view others have on my kind? Was it worth the self respect of this one Caitian?"

It was a lot to take in, and Marit took several moments to absorb it all before she spoke. His words seemed to confirm to her she was right in reaching out and she felt honored he had trusted her when he was obviously feeling so conflicted. "Have you lost all self-respect? When you look back upon your actions, do you feel nothing but shame?"

"There is nothing to be proud of when a life has to be taken Counselor." S'er'in'e turned slightly to face her. "As a marine I am trained to kill but do so cleanly and minimal suffering. There was nothing clean about what I did to that man, he suffered a great deal because of what I did to him and while it had the intended result of buying us time to be rescued, the end does not justify the means."

He paused slightly before resuming. "When people see me they see me not for who, but for what I am and if they knew of what I did it would forever seal that upon myself any my kind." He paused again. "Captain Von knows, my Mate knows and now you do. I am not proud of what I did and never will be, if anything it served to only prove that I am a danger to everyone around me."

"So why do you suppose you reacted the way you did? Why do you think you killed him in such a self-loathing way if your training and your deep desires to be seen in a certain way had always motivated you to behave otherwise?" Marit knew there was no point in challenging his shame, at least not yet. Instead, she decided to help him explore his own motivations in hopes that he would see the situation realistically.

"I did it because if the others found him they would be more cautious, they would know deadly predators were in the area and in light of sensors being blinded by mineral deposits there would be no way for them to know what was ahead." S'er'in'e answered. "They had been following us for some time, the Captain's injuries were slowing our escape I had to do something. The Captain's safety came first and what I did was the only way to ensure we had extra time without letting them know we were there, even if it meant doing something I find morally questionable."

"So it was a ruse," Marit pointed out. "You deliberately chose to act a certain way to leave a specific impression. I would say that demonstrates a great deal of control over your impulses, not the out of control monster you fear you became."

"But there WAS NO CONTROL!!" S'er'in'e loudly replied, he'd turned slightly towards her mid reply, his hand out and palm up and without realising that his claws on that hand fully extended. He soon realised this and hid his hand behind his back. "I slaughtered him, I killed him with no more difficulty than Humans kill cattle for food and I didn't stop there. I slashed at him, pulled out his organs while he was still alive. What if he was innocent, a family, wrong place at the wrong time?" His appearance had taken on a more predatory feel to it, flared whiskers, alert ears, faster sweeping tail.

"I was fortunate that Captain Von didn't see what I did." S'er'in'e's voice fell softer more feline in tone. "I am Mated to a Human, Samanthia Akiashiro. She trusts me, loves me, but sometimes when I see her I fear. My past has already posed a threat to her and I killed to keep her safe and she tells me she accepts the risks, but, am I worth the risk? After what I have done, what I can do to someone......"

He paused briefly, silently. "I apologise for my outburst."

The pain continued to radiate off him as far as Marit could see, and she was reminded how much she had wanted to speak with him after he had killed to protect his mate, but his mission to Cetus hadn't allowed it. Given what had happened on that mission, it only reinforced his own self-doubt.

"You're hurt and you're angry," Marit replied gently. "You have every right to feel that way, and no matter how angry you became, I wasn't afraid you would hurt me," Lantry pointed out. "Predators driven by animalistic instincts would never apologize for potentially frightening another. They wouldn't question their behavior like you're doing now. Do you have such predatory instincts within you? Are you capable of killing violently and even enjoying such a release? Of course you are, but you're forgetting the other side of you I just described. Killing that man on the planet wasn't an impulsive decision, no matter how you felt once you acted on the decision. You just told me you decided to do it to create a ruse, a ruse necessary for not just your survival, but for the very survival of your physically vulnerable Captain. That isn't the thinking of a monster. That's the thinking of a desperate man using the resources he had available to him to ensure his and his Captain's safety."

S'er'in'e stood in silence in thought. He suspected many would take the view the good Counselor had chosen to do, he did it because of someone else but to himself it was not so. He'd become what he'd fought against all his Starfleet life, became what he was viewed to be and felt like he'd put a black mark on the view and pride of his kind. "I understand why I had to do it, I am not proud of how. I knew it was necessary to do it but I am the one that saw what I did, I am the one that looks upon my Mate and fears for her safety and those around me."

"Will you be relieving me from duty pending further evaluation Counselor?" S'er'in'e asked.

The Colonel's admission made Marit wonder if he had ever been able to see himself realistically. The instincts and behavior that now made him question himself had presumably always been a part of who he was, just as the instincts that made her human had always been a part of her. She now began to wonder if his sense of self-loathing went further back than even she knew. For now, however, she sought to answer his direct question with one of her own. "Do you believe it's necessary?" At the beginning of this conversation, Lantry would have doubted it, but seeing the degree of pain he was in, she began to think it wasn't such a bad idea.

"What I believe Counselor is inconsequential. You as Counselor are the reviewing officer." S'er'in'e replied after some thought. "I can not change what I have done, I accepted long ago when I left the Homeworld what I was and what I could do, others could choose to do the same or not. I knew there would be and without doubt times in the future where I would have to use what I am to serve an advantage. Image is important to our kind, we take great care of our fur, how we present to others. Captain Von saw something that day, the one I care for my Mate has seen it too. I hope no others have to witness me in the same light again."

"I am the reviewing officer," Marit agreed,"but I am still interested in what you think about your own fitness for duty. On the one hand, I'm hearing you say you accepted a long time ago that you may have to use who you were to survive, but on the other, I'm hearing you say you're really struggling with it. I thought it was affecting your self-image, but it sounds as if you're more concerned about what others think. If that's the case, I suppose the real question is, if you knew what they really thought, that they don't think less of you for it, can you accept that?"

"Not who...what." S'er'in'e corrected. "I know who I am, it's what I did as a result of what I am following what I did that bothers me."

"It is also image though. Image and the opinions of others" S'er'in'e replied. "Image is important to me but its not just my image at risk for what I have done. Few Caitians leave the Homeworld and as such what we do off it reflects upon my kind, we are ambassadors of sorts for our species. At the same time I am concerned about what others think, because we put others before ourselves especially the females of a species because it was part of our upbringing. When ever one of us leaves the Homeworld we undertake classes, cultural acclimatisation classes so that we have a better understanding of others but also become more aware of how we may be perceived."

"I know what I did and I have to live with that, I will have to come to terms with it in time. For now however my duties are unaffected and aside from a diminished department still awaiting resupply, I do what I can with what I have." S'er'in'e finished. It was hard for him to describe how he felt, an alien language hard to put his feelings and emotions into context.

Marit believed the Colonel's words spoke volumes. She agreed with him when he described his conflict as being between what and who he was, and she also knew it was a conflict that wouldn't be resolved overnight. He might not have been entirely comfortable with discussing his feelings, but he was making an effort, an effort she believed was worth continuing. "I see no reason to remove you from duty, but I would like to continue seeing you on a regular basis. We can agree it's going to take time for you to come to terms with all you've been through, but there's also no reason why you should have to come to terms with it virtually alone." Of course, Lantry hadn't lost sight of the fact that Colonel had killed another before the away mission, and justified or not, that was still a trauma that no doubt was influencing this one.

"As you wish Counselor." S'er'in'e resigned himself to the realisation that there would be additional difficult moments to discuss with the Counselor. "When it suits please inform me and I will attend our next appointment." Speaking to the Counselor was difficult but Captain Von was something else, she was there, she knew what he did and even helped him recover from it.

Facing her would prove difficult.

"I will," Marit offered evenly, not needing psionic abilities to tell he felt mixed emotions about her request. "Thank you, Colonel."

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Lieutenant Commander Marit Lantry, M.D., Ph.D.
Chief Counselor
Starbase 332

Lieutenant Colonel S'er'in'e
CAG
Starbase 332