Seeking Answers
Posted on Wed Jun 30th, 2021 @ 1:44am by Lieutenant Alana Tovan & Lieutenant Commander Decan MD PsyD
Mission:
Father Dearest
Location: Counselor's Office
Alana sat nervously on the couch as she waited for Doctor Decan. So many thoughts were going through her head, trying to make sense of the events of the last few days. Seeking help was one of the last things that she would have thought about doing. But then nothing about the situation was being handled the way she had always envisioned it. Somehow he was getting into her head, and she needed help seeking some answers. Finally the door opening shook her from her thoughts, at least for a moment.
The tall figure of Decan appeared as the door hissed open. “Welcome. I am Lieutenant Commander Decan.” His voice had notable warmth to it for a Vulcanoid.
Alana stood from the couch and offered her hand nervously to the counselor. Seeking help like this was a new experience for her, and not one that she took on lightly. "Lieutenant Alana Tovan. It's nice to meet you, Doctor."
“It is agreeable to meet you as well.” Decan moved towards a chair. “Have you been waiting long?” He asked.
Alana shook her head as she took a seat on the chair. "No, no. Not at all, sir. I probably just seem impatient because I'm nervous."
“Before we begin, did you want anything to help to make you comfortable?” He was trying to be accommodating.
A few ideas came to mind. A sedative. A stiff drink. Probably none of them were appropriate for the situation. "No. No thank you. I think I'm fine." Alana's eyes drifted all around the office, trying to avoid directing looking Decan in the eye. She spotted the Vulcan's ears, and her hand instinctively reached for her hair, making sure it was pulled in front of her own. Her hands dropped to her lap, though her knee bounced nervously.
“Tell me a bit about yourself.” Decan said, setting a PADD to record the interaction.
For some reason Alana was a little taken aback by the question, though it's certainly reasonable why he would want to know more about her. "There's not really much to say. I've been in Starfleet for eight years, serving as an engineer. I currently oversee repair and maintenance operations on docked ships. I can't say my life is all that exciting."
"And before Starfleet?" Decan raised a brow in typical Vulcan way. It wasn't as though she was being evasive, but it seemed as though she was editing her responses.
Alana looked off towards the far side of the room, managing to avoid looking Decan in the eye. "There's not much to tell. My childhood was boring. It was just my mother and me. I didn't have too many friends. Usually my nose was stuck in a book." And avoiding people, she thought to herself. "I really just always wanted to join Starfleet, so I studied a lot to prepare for my entrance exams."
His eyebrow stayed up. "Where was your father?"
Alana didn't hesitate before answering, though she was cautious about how much she shared. "He wasn't around. Where he was, I couldn't say. He and my mother separated when I was young."
"Did that affect you at all? " Decan sat forward slightly. "His not being involved."
Alana's knee bounced while a multitude of thoughts ran through her head. Where should she start? Was it the bullying she faced as a teen because she was half Romulan? Was it how her mother was blacklisted from major research projects because of her lapse in judgement of trusting him? Was it the part where he manipulated everyone in her life to do his bidding? "Sure, I suppose. Mom did her best raising me on her own. I guess not having him around just made me work harder, like I had something to prove."
"Prove to whom?" Decan inquired. He adjusted in his seat.
"Prove to me. Prove to the other kids I grew up with. Prove to Starfleet." Prove to my father, she added silently. "Just prove, I guess."
The Vulcanoid man nodded subtly. "How do you plan to prove yourself?" He was sincerely asking as the concept was not present in Vulcan culture.
Alana shrugged. "I just need to be the best at my job that I can possibly be."
"Do you find that a preoccupation with 'proving yourself' interferes with your work?" Decan tried to look into Alana's eyes.
The engineer sat up straighter, as if she was insulted by the insinuation. "Not at all. If anything, I feel that it makes me more focused in my work. My work is everything."
"Good." Decan nodded. "Did you have any topics you would like to discuss?"
She did, be Alana was hesitant to bring it up. Especially with how often they've already talked about him. "I have a... friend... who has been out of my life for a long time. They've recently come back into my life. Or at least they're trying to come back into my life. I don't know if I should let them."
"Is there more to the relationship with this friend?" Decan's voice kept its even monotone. "Is there some motive for their coming into your life at this point in time?"
"We had a falling out many years ago, and hadn't talked since." Alana's knee bounced as she looked around the room, making eye contact with everything but Decan. "They claim to be down on their luck, and are looking for help. Needing a place to stay, getting back on their feet. That sort of thing."
"Do you believe the claims to be true?" Decan watched as she avoided his gaze .
Alana shrugged. "I don't know. They seem to be sincere, and I did contribute to getting them fired from their job. But all I did was point out some subpar maintenance work on their last assignment. I didn't meant to get them fired, but yet at the same time, I still feel partially responsible."
“Do think that you would benefit from a reconnection, or is there another way for you to make your amends?” Decan was truly curious.
"I don't really know," Alana replied, shaking her head. "I didn't think I ever wanted to reconnect with them. But they just seem so desperate. Them seem like they would benefit more than I would. They were entirely responsible for our falling out before, but I didn't help matters by getting them dismissed from the ship they were serving on. Part of me feels like they deserve what they have coming to them. But at the same time, I feel like I wouldn't be doing my duty as a Starfleet officer if I didn't help someone in need."
"Is that still an ideal to uphold personally, when it becomes detrimental to ones self?" Decan asked, wondering why someone would continue to help when it became a detriment to themselves.
"I thought the needs of the many outweighed the needs of the few?" Alana replied as a rebuttal, as she started wondering to herself just whose side she was on.
"That is the adage." His brow was raised. "But when it comes to ones mental wellbeing, the standard does not apply."
Alana sunk back into her seat. She was almost disappointed by the doctor's comments. But why? she thought to herself. Did she really want to help him? Did she really feel guilty what happened to her father? Even after what he did to her and her mother? Somehow she was starting to feel more conflicted now than she did when she started. "I suppose you're right."
"You say this, and yet it still weighs heavily on your mind." Decan made a note. "It feels as though you have already made a decision on this matter."
"I don't know. Somehow they just know how to appeal to my emotions and get me on their side. Part of me feels like I should run far away. Part of me feels like I would regret it forever if I do."
Decan nodded his understanding of Alana's situation, at least as far as she'd actually explained it. A low hum came from his PADD. "I am afraid that is our time." He said. "If it is agreeable, I would like to schedule time to meet again."
Alana almost didn't process what Decan was saying as she was lost in her own thoughts. "Uh, sure. That would be fine."
"Though our session is done, I wondered if it might be agreeable for us to have some tea?" Decan asked, rather candidly. Though the session was done, Decan sensed there was more she may want to say. and it was his duty to hear her out. "I have a Vulcan spice blend that I'm told resembles a cinnamon chai."
The engineer hesitated for a moment. "That sounds nice."
Lt. Commander Decan MD PsyD
Chief Medical Officer, Counselor
Starbase 332
Lieutenant Alana Tovan [Von]
Section Chief, Shipfitter
Starbase 332
